All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
