My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
