If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
