Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize