My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
