you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
