Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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