I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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