My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize