Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
