i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
