I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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