His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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