he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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