I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
