I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
