I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
