Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
you had me at cake vodka
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
