I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
