i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
