well I can't set my house on fire every night
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
