He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
