Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you win again, gameday.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
