I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
