your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
