i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize