So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
