I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
