mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
