if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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