He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
