It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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