who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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