i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
