I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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