Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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