he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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