He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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