dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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