I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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