too bad you live with your parents still
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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