i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
