Betty ford says i'm here all night
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
