Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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