gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
