New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
