i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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