I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You smell like stripper and shame
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
