Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize