you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
