I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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