I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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