are you still at the devil's house?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
