I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
