North Korea, Best Korea!
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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