The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
