Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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