I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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