I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Dicks are not precious.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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