well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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