I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
