from now on my penis is your penis
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
whose parrot is this?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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